Is What I Am Doing Self-Abandonment?

Is What I Am Doing Self-Abandonment? Are You Putting Yourself Last? Recognizing Self-Abandonment. Stop Self-Abandonment: How to Start Prioritizing You. How to Recognize and Overcome Self-Abandonment in Your Life.

Self-abandonment happens when you prioritize others’ needs, desires, or opinions over your own to the point of neglecting yourself. It’s not always obvious, but it can deeply impact your emotional well-being and sense of identity.

Understanding this behavior and taking steps to manage it can help you live more authentically and fully. Here’s how to recognize self-abandonment, address it, and reconnect with yourself, drawing on insights from psychologists.

What Is Self-Abandonment?

• Neglecting your needs: Putting others first at the expense of your own well-being.
  • EXAMPLE: You are so tired and still have to go to work the next day, but one of your friends asks you out for dinner and you feel bad saying no, so you end up going and staying out late and then end up being so tired the next day – not being able to concentrate and perform well at work. Now you’re also sitting on resentment of going out last night and trying to pay your sleep debt.

• Ignoring your feelings: Avoiding emotions because they seem inconvenient or overwhelming.
  • EXAMPLE: You are hurt by something that happened and instead of pausing to manage your emotions and care for yourself, you end up doing more work to avoid your feelings. And because you haven’t taken the time to understand your feelings, it end up coming back up and happening again because you haven’t taken steps to manage your triggers and boundaries.

• Chasing validation: Seeking approval from others instead of trusting yourself.
  • EXAMPLE: You are always waiting for someone else to praise and validate the things you have done and worked hard for. You are essentially working hard on things to get approval from people around you, instead of doing things that truly bring you joy – regardless of whether other people approve or not.

• People-pleasing: Changing who you are to fit in or avoid conflict.
  • EXAMPLE: You agree to everything just to keep the peace until you realize you have no voice anymore. People got used to you saying yes and now you’re not even able to do things you like or say things you truly feel.

How Do You Know If You’re Self-Abandoning?

• You avoid your feelings: Instead of processing emotions, you distract yourself with work, social media, or other people’s problems.
• You feel unfulfilled: Even when things seem “fine” on the surface, you feel disconnected from your life.
• You constantly say yes: Even when it drains you, you prioritize others’ requests over your own boundaries.
• You struggle with self-worth: Your value feels tied to how much you give or how others perceive you.
• You fear being alone: Time with yourself feels uncomfortable or unproductive.

Where Is Self-Abandonment Rooted From?

• Childhood experiences: Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera explains that self-abandonment often stems from being taught to suppress emotions or prioritize others’ needs as a child. Healing your inner child will help with your self-abandonment.
• Fear of rejection: A deep-seated belief that you must conform to be loved or accepted.
• Cultural or societal pressures: Expectations to meet certain roles or standards can push you to ignore your true self.
• Trauma: Past experiences may make you feel unsafe asserting your needs or desires.

Signs You’re Self-Abandoning

• Over-apologizing: You take responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.
• Suppressed opinions: You stay quiet to avoid rocking the boat, even when you disagree.
• Lack of boundaries: You allow others to overstep because saying no feels selfish.
• Chronic burnout: You overextend yourself emotionally, physically, or mentally to meet external expectations.
• Loss of identity: You don’t recognize who you are without external validation or roles.

How to Handle Self-Abandonment

• Start with self-awareness: Acknowledge when and where you’re neglecting yourself. Pause and sit with yourself and give yourself space to see what your feelings are and where you stand. This will help you evaluate things and adjust accordingly to practice more self-care.

• Set boundaries: Prioritize your needs and practice saying no without guilt. This doesn’t mean you will cut everything and everyone out of your life (it can work too!) – but a gradual exposure limitation is a great idea. Slowly cut down the hours that you are exposed to certain things and events and you will find how lighter you’ll feel. This will also open your day more to take the time for yourself.

• Reconnect with your emotions: Allow yourself to feel without judgment, using tools like journaling or therapy. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they’re information. Listen to what they are telling you. Do you feel tired and annoyed? Is it because you over-packed your schedule? Or is it because you haven’t given yourself a chance to enjoy things that bring you joy?

• Challenge negative self-talk: Replace harsh inner dialogue with compassion and understanding. There is no reason for you to berate yourself and be hard on yourself. Negative self-talk is so unproductive that it just gives you something to do, but it’s not helpful. It can also lead you into a spiral that might lead you not to do the things you want to try out. Now you’re in this cycle of not trying because there’s no point. When the truth is, you are trying, that’s the point. Be kind to yourself as you are experiencing life.

• Seek professional support: Psychologists like Dr. Gabor Maté emphasize the importance of addressing the root causes of self-abandonment through therapy or counseling. All the things that are coming up on the surface are usually rooted somewhere. It might have been buried to survive and move on with life. Until you understand the roots of self-abandonment, it will be hard to manage things that come up.

Small Daily Steps to Stop Self-Abandonment

• Practice self-care: Dedicate 10–15 minutes daily to an activity you love, whether it’s reading, stretching, or meditating. For me, I found that when I play badminton, I always come back with a clear mind and calm heart. Even when the games are competitive, it fuels me to face my day and have the energy to deal with things as they come up.

• Check in with yourself: Ask, “What do I need right now?” and honor your answer. If your mind, body, and soul, are telling you that you need a break. Give yourself a break. The more you do things for yourself, the more it will be hard to abandon yourself in the future, because now you know exactly how it feels to be respected and honored, because you did it for yourself. Also, how you honor and treat yourself sets the standard for how you will let other people treat you as well.

• Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge even the smallest steps toward asserting your needs or boundaries. More than checking off your to-do list, it is also important that you audit how you are slowly getting better at honoring yourself and feeling your feelings. If a similar event came up and you handled it calmly as you usually would, that’s an ABSOLUTE WIN and you deserve to celebrate that. You’re putting in the work to protect your peace.

• Prioritize rest: Allow yourself downtime without labeling it as unproductive. Pause and relax. I feel like nowadays, being busy is a badge of honor. But we are going for longevity, sustainability, and joy. Those things are not rushed and not just a to-do list. Rest is for your mind, body, and soul.

• Limit overcommitment: Pause before saying yes and ask if it aligns with your energy and goals. It was so hard for me to say no for the longest time, but now I am so much better when saying no. Also, I found that since I have chosen quite a few people to surround myself with, my “no” is easier to come by because we all respect each other. I also don’t take offense when someone says no to me. I understand. I do my best to establish a safe space for people and friends around me to say no.

How to Help Yourself Live Fully

• Embrace your individuality: Understand that your path is unique and that you don’t need to follow anyone else’s timeline. No more looking at other people and feeling bad. We can look at other people and be inspired by how things are going for them. I always think that everyone is just doing their best to thrive, whether I see it externally or not. So I enjoy my own journey and dance to the beat of my own drum.

• Be kind to yourself: Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion suggests treating yourself as you would a close friend during setbacks. What I’ve done is I have named the negative “person” in my head and I speak to it. I thank it becuase it’s trying to protect me and warn me, even remind me of how things happened in the past. As much as I appreciate the “negative talk”, I try and give it a hug and show her all the things we’ve survived and how we will always learn together compassionately.

• Let go of judgment: Accept that mistakes and detours are part of life and don’t define your worth. I let these things come to me and I embrace them. Mistakes? I’ve tried. More mistakes? I’ve tried harder. Any people who say you’re making the same mistakes do have a point. However, it is necessary to know that repeated mistakes will happen until you get comfortable. If you’ve ever played sports or played an instrument, you know that even when you practice for so long, you will just make a mistake. That’s why every sport takes at least up to 21 (score) to win, and you’ll rarely find even the best of the best make mistakes. You play life, you will lose some and win some. Enjoy the journey find ways to love it and have fun.

• Focus on presence: Engage fully with your experiences instead of worrying about what’s next. Talk to the voice in your head that’s telling you “you’re not enough..” or that “this won’t work out..” – because what doesn’t work out, is actually working out, not just the way. we originally pictured it to be. Stay present and not catastrophize the situation or worry how it will turn out.

• Trust your journey: Have faith that every step you take, even the challenging ones, contributes to your growth. Your journey is yours alone. You will find people around you that might be judgmental and you can’t control that. You’ll also receive unsolicited advice, and no matter how annoying they are, there might be some truth to those, but. at the same time, your timeline is different. You are different. Embrace your own journey and find ways to love and live your life.

Breaking the cycle of self-abandonment isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. By recognizing the signs, addressing the root causes, and making small, intentional changes, you can reconnect with yourself and live a more fulfilling life. Remember, your needs and feelings matter, and prioritizing them isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey, and celebrate every step forward.